


The Great I Am

by OwenToDawn



Series: 15 Day Lyric Challenge [8]
Category: Tortall - Tamora Pierce
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Internal Conflict, Retirement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-05-31 13:39:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19427074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OwenToDawn/pseuds/OwenToDawn
Summary: Alanna grapples with the fact that she can no longer remain Tortall's Champion





	The Great I Am

**Author's Note:**

> I love writing about Alanna later in life. It was the perfect pic idea for today's lyric prompt which is:
> 
> "Spirit rose a metre then stepped aside/Somebody else took his place, and bravely cried/I’m a blackstar, I’m a blackstar" from Black Star by David Bowie. Which this song and Lazarus are two of my fav Bowie songs of all time, I will fight you about them 
> 
> Comments are loved, you can find me on twitter @ defaltmanifesto

Alanna winces as her ankles, then knees, then hips, then back all crack in quick succession as she comes out of the last of her morning stretches. Across the room, George looks at her with a raised eyebrow as he pauses in his writing. It’s a wordless conversation they’ve had for years.

_When will you lay down your sword?_

_When will you leave this life behind?_

And her answers remain the same.

_Never._

_When I draw my last breath._

They aren’t answers he approves of, but then, she’s never lived her life by the measure of others' approval. Her body has always been a tool. She has no problem beating it into submission to do as she demands. And yet…

There’s a reason the Shang Warriors died young. Bodies weren’t meant to last forever under such punishing strain and she’s crossing half a century this year.

“Do you know what I fear most, even now?” she asks, turning back to face George. “That if I lay my sword down, there’s nothing left for me to do.”

Tears choke up her words, quick and hot on her cheeks. Even in his older age, George is fast, up from his desk and catching her in his arms in half a heartbeat.

“I know, love, I know…” He presses the words to her head in the shape of gentle kisses and lets her mourn.

-.-

Kel relaxes around her now. The stone mask she wears slips away in Alanna’s presence, allowing them to talk candidly as they sit side by side on the bench that overlooks the ocean at Pirate’s Swoop. They have a true companionship now. Two women warriors who understood each other better than anyone else ever could.

Which is why it’s no surprise that Kel guesses why Alanna called her there in the first place.

“You’re not going back, are you?” Kel asks.

Alanna draws one leg up, resting her cheek on her knee with her arms wrapped around her shin as he looks at Kel. “How’d you guess?”

Kel leans forward on her knees, gaze fixed on the ocean. “It’s something in your eyes. You look…tired. Like the way we all did after the Scanran War, but deeper, like you’re just ready to be done. Not give up. Just…rest.”

“It’s a miracle I ever hid anything when I was a page or squire,” Alanna says with a smile. “I’ve never been good at it.”

“The world’s the better for it,” Kel says. She looks over at Alanna. “Have you told King Jonathan yet?”

Alanna shakes her head. “I wanted to talk to you first.”

“If you want someone to talk you out of it, you called the wrong person. I’ll always support what you want to do with your personal life, especially something of this magnitude,” Kel says. “I know you wouldn’t make a decision like this rashly.”

“I wanted to ask if you’d be comfortable with me recommending you as my successor,” Alanna says, straightening back up.

Kel’s eyes widen. “Me? But I…”

“Are every bit as qualified to be a Champion as I am,” Alanna says, voice firm. “I’ve watched you grow. A King needs a Champion willing to fight not just for him but his people, even if that means telling him he’s wrong.”

“A Champion should be loyal to the King. Alanna, I _betrayed_ my commander’s orders,” Kel says.

“And do you regret it?” Alanna asks.

“Of course not. I had to save the people I swore to protect, the children, the adults, all of them,” Kel says.

"You were ready to go to the noose for treason to save those seen as the most useless among us,” Alanna says. “ _That_ is the type of person a King needs at his side. Not a follower. Not the best fighter, though you certainly fit that role as well. He needs someone willing to put the lives of the least fortunate among us above the crown, above orders, above vows.”

“I…”

Alanna grasps Kel’s hands in her own, squeezing tight. “A Champion is not the Champion of a king or nation. She is the Champion of the people. There is no one I would feel worthy of leaving the role to but you.”

Kel nods. “Then Alanna of Pirate’s Swoop and Olau, I accept your offer.”

-.-

Alanna watches as Jonathan sets his tea down, stomach in knots. She learned long ago how to tell Jonathan no. But hurting him has never been something she enjoyed and however sensible her decision to step down is, she knows it will sting. For the first time, she’ll be leaving his side.

“I don’t want you to step aside,” Jonathan says. “But I recognize the reality of the situation. I don’t wish to lose my dearest friend because neither of us could accept that we shouldn’t be on the front lines anymore.”

“I always thought I’d die on the battlefield. I’m glad, I think, that I won’t,” she says.

“Will you teach? There’s a position open,” Jonathan says.

“I couldn’t,” she says with a shake of her head. “It’d make me miss what I can’t have. A clean break is best.”

Jonathan smiles. “Always the reasonable one.”

“One of us has to be,” Alanna says. “And speaking of, I want to recommend my successor.”

“Say no more,” Jonathan says. “Lady Knight Keladry of Mindelan. I’ve been thinking about this for years, and she’s grown into quite the leader.”

Alanna breathes out a sigh. “Thank you.”

Jonathan stands and crosses the room, extending a hand to her. Alanna takes it and for a moment, she’s a teenager again taking his hand to dance, the memory swamping her senses. When she looks into his bright blue eyes, she feels herself become choked once more.

“You know, I’ve never been much of a crier but I’ve cried more the last few weeks than I have in my whole life,” she says as a few tears escape.

“It’s a big change,” Jonathan says. “But you have nothing to fear. You’re allowed to get some rest, Lioness. Tortall thanks you for your service, and I thank you for your friendship.”

She hugs him close and lets a life time of memories play on the inside of her eyelids. “Thank you, Jonathan.”

-.-

Devoid of armor, devoid of shield and sword, Alanna kneels at the side of Thom’s grave as the revelries of Kel’s celebration continue within Pirate’s Swoop. Once they’d settled in Pirate’s Swoop, she and George had buried Thom’s ashes in the earth and tilled a flower bed before a gravestone. Alanna turns and rests her back against the edge of the gravestone and turns her face up to the skies.

Decades have past but finding the constellation of her companion Faithful is reflex. She breathes in the sea-salt air and watches the stars blink and glisten as she thinks of what to say.

“Do you remember when we were young and you told me only an idiot would want to risk their life on the battlefield?” she asks. “For so long, I’ve regretted that I gained so much power, survived so many battles, but couldn’t protect the one person who meant the most to me. But I can’t imagine you at this age. Would we still look the same, do you think? Would you be happy?”

There’s no response. She looks down at the flowers bathed in moonlight.

“I think…I think that I’m happy,” she continues. “I never thought old age would find me but I have George, I have my children who I couldn’t be prouder of, a successor to my title as Champion. I suppose I won’t be dying on a battlefield. But…maybe that’s for the best.”

For a moment, the moonlight fades as the clouds slide before it. And just for a second, she thinks the flowers glow with a deep purple light, and maybe she imagines it but she can almost feel a warm and comforting heat come from them.

“I love you, Thom,” she says. “Thank you for giving me the chance to live this life. I guess it’s about time I make the most of it, huh?”

By the time the moon’s light returns, Alanna’s gone. A cheer goes up as she renters the party, and a cool breeze makes the flowers rustle like their dancing. But if someone were to look out the window, they’d see a woman with haunting white skin and a tangle of black hair standing beside a gravestone as a small black cat with purple eyes rolled in the flowers.

They’d see her look to the party, to the home Alanna had made. And perhaps they’d even make out her parting words.

“Goodnight, my Lioness Rampant.”


End file.
